Why am I still a Baptist?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. I've been teaching our folks on Wednesday nights what it means to be a Baptist, and it's not that I disagree with what it is to be a Baptist--far from it. I suppose what I'm struggling with is what being a Baptist actually looks like.Perhaps it would help to explain how I came to be a Baptist before I dive into my own conflict with the branding placed on my faith in Christ.

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I wasn't raised Baptist; to be fair, I wasn't raised anything. Sure, I grew up in the Bible Belt, and in the earliest years (ages 0-3, 1984-1987) of my life my dad's family all went to church together at a rural, Southern Baptist Church, but there isn't a single, full memory I have of ever going to church with my family. In fact, I didn't really begin regularly attending church until the summer after I graduated high school, a time when I was in desperate need of direction and community. I attended a Baptist church where my best friend's dad once served as pastor; there I was baptized after making my "public profession of faith," and there I found my calling. It wasn't, however, until my time at Samford University (a Baptist institution) that I genuinely chose to be a Baptist (and not a Southern Baptist). From there, I chose to attend a Baptist seminary (Truett Seminary, Baylor University). I made the decision to be a Baptist--to stay a Baptist--and I dove right in.

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Now, if being a Baptist is about anything it's about being free: free to believe, practice, and hold on to or let go of certain things. It's that freedom, however, that I find most difficult to deal with when it comes to being a Baptist. Allow me to explain. You see, to me, being a Baptist has always been a two-edged sword: all the things I love about being a Baptist, the things that have kept me a Baptist, are the very things I also despise about being a Baptist. For example, there's no hierarchy in Baptist life, which is great because I am not "under" a bishop, yet it's often terribly frustrating as there's no one "above" me to whom I can take my concerns or from whom to seek official guidance, no one to protect me from a reactive congregation. Baptists are congregational, which is great...if you're only in the congregation. If you're trying to lead the congregation, however, it can be nothing short of frustrating as your leadership can often be rejected and your livelihood threatened. To put it another way, there's not much job security in being a Baptist minister, especially if you are one who sees being a prophet as a part of the pastoral call. So, in one sense, there isn't a lot of freedom in being a Baptist, because one's freedom to think, act, and believe contrary to the status quo can often land one in tempestuousness waters or even outside of the fellowship of some congregations.

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I suppose the reason I find myself asking why I'm still a Baptist is because I have yet to find a real sense of belonging, a sense of community, in the broader family of Baptists. In ecumenical and interfaith groups I'm often viewed as the token Baptist or the "Baptist who isn't like the other Baptists" because I support women in ministry and happen to hold other political, theological, and scientific views. Don't get me wrong, I love being a part of these groups; they encourage, challenge, and nourish me. When it comes to Baptist groups (especially those I am more inclined to be a part of), however, I have yet to feel as if I am included as a part of the whole. Sure, I know some of the people in these circles, and yes, I'd even count some of them as friends, but when we're all in the same room together I often feel as if I'm simply there for observation, to take notes just in case I'm ever asked to join the club, or be adopted into the family. I suppose it was different a generation or two ago, when everyone went to the same seminary, had the same classes, and maybe even lived and served in the same area. I suppose it's easier for those who have grown up in and around these circles, share DNA with its members, or have "fought in the trenches" with them. But does that mean that I don't have a place inside the circle as well?

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I don't mean to sound like a whining kid in the schoolyard who didn't get picked for the team, but at some point I'd like to think that my choice to be labeled and serve as a Baptist would be accepted by other Baptists. I'd like to come to a point where entering a room filled with other Baptist doesn't feel like I'm encroaching on some private family get-together. I recognize that a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with my own introverted personality, but I can't help but think that there are those who would welcome my calling and my gifts with arms wide opened, those who do not bear the brand of Baptist, but may bear other brands and hold other convictions and practice other traditions, others who are not so suspicious of names they do not recognize. 

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For now, I'm a Baptist. I imagine I'll always be a Baptist (even if I should take the brand of a different tradition). The Baptist tradition (more specifically, the moderate/progressive understanding of that tradition) is where I find a sense of theological harmony. I just hope and pray that in the years ahead I will find it to be a tradition where I find a sense of harmony in community, a place where I don't feel so alone in serving Christ, a circle of which I feel a part. 

CPT